I’m not going to lie, I have had major writing block over the past few months. Part of me has definitely pulled back from blogging this year due to my upcoming wedding in September as I really just want to enjoy this special time with my fiancé, all my family and friends but another part (the creative part) has honestly just been so uninspired. I kept thinking…. something will come to me but I realise now sitting down to write this, that I wasn’t waiting for something to come along and inspire me, I was waiting until I was ready to start inspiring myself again. Writing, like any creative source has to come from within and part of the reason I love writing is that it’s a fantastic way to communicate with your true self.
I watched a film recently called Nocturnal Animals, directed by one of my favourite Fashion Designers, Tom Ford – is there anything this man cannot do?! The film (which I would highly recommend) starts in the real world before entering a world of fiction – that of a novel, written by a man who dedicates it to his ex-wife, whom he subsequently sends it to in the form of a manuscript.
Through the course of the film, it becomes apparent that the novel is a metaphor for the pain of the breakdown of the couple’s relationship, a way for the protagonist to communicate the deep hurt he suffered during their break up. I loved the concept of pouring one’s feelings into a piece of creative work as a way of unlocking one’s emotions and helping the healing process and it reminded me a little bit of something I do to deal with my own feelings – although I admit not half enough.
Last month I turned 32 which I was slightly depressed by- first world problems and all that I know. I always celebrate my birthday but this year, although I did a few small things, I just felt like it was a major non event – it also fell on a dreaded Monday which, ya, really didn’t help the situation.
I dragged myself through the day at work feeling pretty crap and when I got home I was a bit weepy and emotional but couldn’t think of any immediate reason why. A few days later, I started feeling a bit better but as the emotions and frustration I was feeling that day eventually flowed back out of nowheresville, I knew I had to try and confront my feelings this time round. Too often, I find my feelings sort of swimming around in my head but its not until I decide to draw them all down, fish by fish, that I can fully make sense of them.
Last week, I took my aquarium of a head away from the world and for a moment stopped everything. I let my mind go blank, took a deep breath and wrote down the very first words that came into my head to describe how I was feeling. I believe when you do this, it is truly your inner voice talking, the voice which comes from deep inside, the true you, the you that doesn’t always make an appearance when talking to your friends and family but the one that is aways present, always watching, always there.
As I sat staring at the words my inner voice had spoken, albeit on a text message on my iPhone, it instantly prompted me to try and filter my thoughts, what I was feeling and why.
Just a minute before, a million things had buzzed around in my head but now the five words in front of me gave them structure, a way of making sense – like a story has a beginning, middle and end. Not only did the written words help me to unlock my feelings, they also meant that I could no longer avoid the issues or push them back down to the dark murky seabed which they had crawled out of.
How often do we think about problems we may have but then immediately dismiss them? How often do we feel frustrated but when asked why, just shrug if off and blame it on a bad day? How often do we see the same areas of frustration arise again and again but do nothing about it?
So I guess what I am trying to say is that in the madness of this crazy, crazy world where we have to be so many things to so many people – daughter, mother, sister, girlfriend, wife,friend, lover etc. – we get so wrapped up in the being, that we loose touch with ourselves, our true selves and this can leave us feeling lost and disillusioned, especially as we get older and the roles we play, naturally become more complex – oh to be 19 again!
I won’t lie and say that everything is better – the words fixed everything, my sinister under water shark magically transformed into a majestic seahorse right before my very eyes and we swam off into the sunset together – but without them I might well still be splashing aimlessly around and around in a whirlpool of emotion. The words were my oars, a way of getting to a preferred destination, a cleaner ocean if you like. Clarity, it seems, has to come from ourselves first.
I remember speaking to a lovely friend before about the uncertainly of starting a blog and I will never forgot what she said to me. Her advice; – “sit down, write and see what comes out, you never know you, might learn a thing or two’ – was I think, something everyone can benefit from.
Until my next inspiration.
Photos by http://www.PawelNowak.ie